No Brainer

Statler&Waldorf5thseasonThe following is a summary of an elite group of Seaview locals recommendations to our PM as to how the UK’s current economic woes might be solved by deploying a few simple if slightly radical measures:

PROPOSALS FOR SOLUTIONS TO CURRENT UK ECONOMIC, CARE OF THE ELDERLY/PRISON SERVICES AND IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS

Dear Mr Cameron

Please find below our suggestions for fixing the above issues:

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, we would like to propose the following policies:

THE ECONOMY

There are currently over 10 million people aged over 50 in the workforce – give all of them £1 million in severance pay for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  • they must retire – this will provide 10 million job openings – unemployment fixed
  • they must buy a new British car – 10 million cars ordered – car industry fixed
  • they must either buy a house for their children or pay off their existing mortgage – housing crisis fixed
  • they must send their children/grandchildren to school college or university – crime rate fixed
  • they must buy at least £100 worth of alcohol and tobacco every week -that will produce all your money back in excise duty and tax etc

Surely it can’t get any easier than that!

PS if even more money is needed have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

CARE OF THE ELDERLY/PRISON SERVICES

Put all pensioners in jails and all criminals in nursing homes.

This would ensure that pensioners would have access to:

  • on demand showers, hobbies and walks
  • unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheelchairs and other disability aids etc
  • weekly pocket money instead of being systematically robbed of their life savings
  • constant video monitoring so they could be helped instantly if they fall or need assistance
  • bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be washed and ironed as required before being returned to them
  • a guard would be on hand 24 hours a day to check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cells
  • they would have family visits in a suite of accommodation specifically built for that purpose
  • they would have access to a library, waiting room, spiritual counseling and education
  • clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and legal aid would be free on request
  • private secure rooms would be available for all with an outdoor exercise yard with gardens
  • every pensioner would have a computer, TV and radio and a free quota of daily phone calls
  • there would be a board of supervising directors to hear their complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would have to be strictly adhere to

Criminals on the other hand would get:

  • cold food
  • be left all alone and unsupervised
  • have their lights turned off at 8 pm
  • get showers once a week (if they’re lucky)
  • live in a tiny room and pay £600 a week for the privilege without any hope of ever getting out

IMMIGRATION

It is absolutely astounding that during the last mad cow disease epidemic, the government could track a single 3 year old cow born in Appleby right down to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria. Not only that they were also able to track her calves to their respective stalls.

By contrast they are totally unable to locate more than 125,000 illegal immigrants currently wandering around our country. Maybe we should insist on giving them each a cow to look after on initial entry into the UK.

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